Socrates

I've been questioning everything. Everything in life. The choices we make that only later become so clear, the choices we make that seem so clean and simple at the time, but are really wounds that never heal but only fester and sit quietly until they blow up one day with a massive fever reaching into the soul again to remind you of what you cut. Of the choice you made. How life could have have been if you had just seen the true colors of your life's picture? Nothing...I guess it's just life.

As Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living" and that seems to be where I am right now. As a girlfriend of mine said, you can't help but do that about life - but when you're going through this process, seems like you examine everything more so.

The last week have been routine. Nothing major. We wake up every morning at about 7am and we're out of the house by 8:30am and driving down to Carson City. My poor mom, just waits for me, makes me the juice and then talks to me when I'm feeling up for it. Only a mother can pour so much love into the meaningless action of these things. Seems so unfair she has to do this. She's my hero. I now understand where as women we find our strengths there is nobody else I'd rather be with. At 36 it's strange to be living with mom again, and yet it's the safest most wonderful thing I've experienced. Obviously I had no choice, and yet it's been such a blessing. Anybody that has a Latina mom understands this is a relationship like a rose, beautiful yet incredibly dangerous. Latina moms don't back down and they pretty much lovingly tell you to shove it with their smiles, and cooking, or constant picking up after you. I kinda feel like my husband must around me. But it's in a loving way so perhaps it's forgivable. I would not have it any other way....you can't really escape it. We drive back and are at home by 4pm.

I am waiting now to find out what the tumor markers are going to say. I have a meeting with the doctor tomorrow, hopefully they will indicate that the treatment is working. I have faith that it is, but it's hard to say. Currently we're rotating three different chemos, all of which target the lung and breast cancer cells. I don't feel any pain, not the way I had been in the past prior to the treatment, and so i assume that things are slowly repairing themselves.

We've woken up to grey skies with wind and a touch of snow.

Love and miss you all.

PS - My mom is screaming at me right now because she wants me to get up from the computer and take the dog for a walk. We still have another hour to go before we have to leave not to mention it's freezing and rainy! Ahhhgh...Even Duke stares at her from the corner of house making sure he's out of her way.