The Muppet Man

1978. I was 6 years old and Kenny Rogers appeared in the movie The Gambler. Made no impact in my life, but when he appeared on The Muppet Show one year later with Kermit and Mrs. Piggy...well that was amazing! So in a tribute to the days of innocence and happier times I actually treated myself to a concert last Friday by going and watching The Gambler himself. And can I tell you I could not have gone to something so out of context for me. I drove to Reno, the Silver Legacy, with all it's 80's big bubble lights displaying it's grand ol' style and walked into a room full of Kenny Rogers fans.

Now don't get me wrong, I remember blasting the duet song "Islands In the Steam" with Dolly Parton when I was in about 5th grade, wearing neon number sweaters, headband, and neon rubber bands around my wrist. Madonna and Boy George were making an impression in the world. But why go to Kenny Rogers? Well, perhaps the mountains are starting to rub off on me, I walked into a room full of cowboy hats and boots...big hair and earrings. I was secretly envious and jealous. I wanted to wear a big buckle, I settled for my uggs. I did however have a little problem when to the left of me I sat next to a man that spilled over onto my chair, and then got locked in to my right by a woman in her flannel top, boots, and bright red pointy fingernails (thank goodness she didn't match her husbands big cowboy hat)...I kept thinking in Kenny's words Oh boy! we've got tonight!

Kenny joked through the night saying half of the men had been dragged into the concert by wives because of the romantic songs, the other were Gambler fans. Personally I wanted to hear the following lyrics and bellow them out with every other cowboy in the room....

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold
'em. Know when to walk away, know when to run. You never count your
money, when you're sittin' at the table.There'll be time enough for
countin', when the dealin's done.

At about the 90th minute my eyes and brain started to shut down and I had the overwhelming feeling of just wanting to curl up to the lady to my right, her flannel shirt started to
morph into a warm blankey. The thought of curling up and just laying down on her really
massive shoulder seem so comfortable. It was obviously time to leave. So I saluted Kenny, The Muppet man, and left with him singing one final song: Lady.


Ok, now on a more serious note. I finally got my tumor markers back this afternoon. In 2007 when I had my markers tested they came back and said they were at about 500+. Normal levels are at 30-40. As treatment started and hormonally they shut off estrogen levels in my body they dropped to about 100. So about 5 weeks ago prior to my arrival at the Nevada Center my markers were at 250. 50% of what they had been in 2007. Today they came back at 543.

Not to be totally sarcastic but this is one time when you really need to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em...know when to walk away, know when to run! So for right now we're going to hold 'em. In the world of Oncology, tumor markers go up for two reasons: cancer is spreading or it's dying. Four weeks into my treatments it's very possible that my cancer is exploding and as the cells explode and die they release cancer ooze into the body that cause a spike in the markers. The other alternative is to think this treatment is not working, but that's not a choice.

So we're going to have to wait a few more weeks. Wait till all of the cancer sludge has cleared from my system and hopefully get a result that is 50% less than where I started. So that's the deal Lucille! Other than the wind blowing at full throttle, today was a good day.

The entire staff at the Nevada Center and the room full of patient want to thank Debbie and Bob Spaletto for sending the magazines! In an infusion room the biggest gift you can give somebody is a distraction to everything that is happening - distraction from time, because to be honest with you it goes by so slow. Thanks to Debbie today our entire room, including staff had a distraction as we passed magazines back and forth and men distracted themselves with fantasy's of jetting off in their own private planes, and driving around in Lamborghini's as they flipped through the pages of the Robb Report. From everybody there - Thank you!

XOXOX

Socrates

I've been questioning everything. Everything in life. The choices we make that only later become so clear, the choices we make that seem so clean and simple at the time, but are really wounds that never heal but only fester and sit quietly until they blow up one day with a massive fever reaching into the soul again to remind you of what you cut. Of the choice you made. How life could have have been if you had just seen the true colors of your life's picture? Nothing...I guess it's just life.

As Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living" and that seems to be where I am right now. As a girlfriend of mine said, you can't help but do that about life - but when you're going through this process, seems like you examine everything more so.

The last week have been routine. Nothing major. We wake up every morning at about 7am and we're out of the house by 8:30am and driving down to Carson City. My poor mom, just waits for me, makes me the juice and then talks to me when I'm feeling up for it. Only a mother can pour so much love into the meaningless action of these things. Seems so unfair she has to do this. She's my hero. I now understand where as women we find our strengths there is nobody else I'd rather be with. At 36 it's strange to be living with mom again, and yet it's the safest most wonderful thing I've experienced. Obviously I had no choice, and yet it's been such a blessing. Anybody that has a Latina mom understands this is a relationship like a rose, beautiful yet incredibly dangerous. Latina moms don't back down and they pretty much lovingly tell you to shove it with their smiles, and cooking, or constant picking up after you. I kinda feel like my husband must around me. But it's in a loving way so perhaps it's forgivable. I would not have it any other way....you can't really escape it. We drive back and are at home by 4pm.

I am waiting now to find out what the tumor markers are going to say. I have a meeting with the doctor tomorrow, hopefully they will indicate that the treatment is working. I have faith that it is, but it's hard to say. Currently we're rotating three different chemos, all of which target the lung and breast cancer cells. I don't feel any pain, not the way I had been in the past prior to the treatment, and so i assume that things are slowly repairing themselves.

We've woken up to grey skies with wind and a touch of snow.

Love and miss you all.

PS - My mom is screaming at me right now because she wants me to get up from the computer and take the dog for a walk. We still have another hour to go before we have to leave not to mention it's freezing and rainy! Ahhhgh...Even Duke stares at her from the corner of house making sure he's out of her way.